June 2026: Naturalis Historia Nova et Universalis
From Naturalis Historia Nova et Universalis: A Complete Account of the Earth, Its Satellites, Origins, Public Works, Natural Curiosities, Artificial Curiosities, Matters Disputed, Matters Settled, Matters Subsequently Reopened, and Various Other Things Worthy of Attention, Book VII: On Mountains
On Their Origin
The first recorded Uplift occurred in Peru, where a farmer discovered a mountain germinating in his paddock. The farmer wisely abandoned agriculture and entered the tourism industry. This remained the standard response for many years.
On the Great Uplifts
Historians divide the modern era into Uplifts. The First produced curiosity. The Second produced concern. The Third produced legislation. The Fourth produced investment opportunities. The Fifth produced a Department. The Seventh Uplift is chiefly remembered for the appearance of Mount Gladys in the centre of Brisbane. Although initially regarded as a nuisance, the mountain was later recognised as an important cultural asset. The fact that it swallowed two casinos undoubtedly assisted this reassessment.
On Their Distribution
Mountains exhibit a marked preference for inconvenient locations. Although found in wilderness areas, they are most commonly found in road reserves, shopping precincts and sites earmarked for future development.
In the year of the Fifth Uplift a mountain emerged from the median strip of the Bruce Highway. It attained a height of two hundred cubits before the authorities intervened. Several bird species immediately took up residence. The local council charged for parking.
On Their Habits
Contrary to popular belief, mountains are not entirely stationary. While their movements are slow, several documented specimens have altered position sufficiently to affect local property values. The age of a mountain may be estimated by the number of tunnels driven through it. Young mountains possess none. Mature mountains typically possess several. Very old mountains are almost entirely hollow and are valued for storage.
On Mountain Farming
Artificial mountains are now cultivated throughout the drier regions of the world. These are grown from carefully selected waste materials and are prized for their ability to attract rainfall. The finest artifiicial mountains are said to contain a balanced mixture of plastics, concrete, domestic refuse and political promises. Certain authorities maintain that rain falling from artificial mountains possesses a distinctive flavour. The matter remains in dispute.
On Their Possible Purpose
Scholars continue to debate why the Earth produces mountains. The Geological School argues that mountains regulate climate. The Biological School argues that mountains are the bones of the Earth. The Mystical School argues that mountains are dreams. Modern scholars reject the ancient belief that mountains are the bones of the Earth. They point out, correctly, that bones cease growing after maturity. Mountains clearly do not.
On Matters Still Disputed
Whether mountains possess intelligence remains unresolved. The mountain known as Kevin has repeatedly blocked attempts to tunnel through it. Supporters of the Intelligence Hypothesis regard this as significant. Critics point out that many mountains have behaved similarly without being accused of thought. The question remains open.
For further discussion see Books VIII–XXIII, Appendices A–M, Supplementary Atlas IV, and the revised index to Matters Subsequently Reopened.
Editor’s Note: The complete ninety-seven volume edition of Naturalis Historia Nova et Universalis is available from participating booksellers. Retail price: 1,045.21 credits. Postage and handling: 2,335.76 credits. Insurance strongly recommended. Shelf reinforcement sold separately.
Don Sanderson
Right Left Write’s June prompt was Mountain. New prompts are announced monthly February-November in QWC’s Pen & Pixel email newsletter.
Find out more about Right Left Write at www.queenslandwriters.org.au/rightleftwrite.
Right Left Write’s June prompt was Mountain.